Boundless Thoughts

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods . . .

What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look; and there was a huge grizzly bear rushing towards him. He turned and ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

Not seeing the path dip, he tripped and fell. Rolling over he saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…”

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:

“You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear dropped to his haunches, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen.”

Registered nurse si Neneng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang kanyang ama na nagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ama nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas, pinauwi na lang niya ang kabaong ng kanyang ama na mag-isa. Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit ang mukha ng ama sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, “Ay, naku! Tingnan mo ‘yan hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng tatay.” Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. At may sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ama. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. Ang liham na mula kay Neneng.

Mahal kong nanay at mga kapatid,

Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang tatay sa pag-uwi sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. “Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $10,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni tatay ang mga sumusunod:

Nasa likod ni tatay ang dalawampu’t apat na karnenorte at isang dosenang spam. Ang adidas na suot ni tatay ay para kay kuya onan. Ang anim na pares ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ni tatay. Tig-iisa kayo.

Ang iba’t-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni tatay. Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana’y hindi natunaw. Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni tatay ay para sa bunso ni Itoy. Gift Ko sa binyag ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Aneng.

Kuya Onan, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni tatay, japanese version ng pokemon trading cards at stickers. “Suot ni tatay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren, apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Ate Keng at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta.

Suot din ni tatay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para kila nanay, Ate keng at aneng Isuot nyo sa party. May isang dosenang NBA caps sa may paanan ni tatay. Para sa inyo, kuya onan, itoy, at sa mga pamangkin at pinsan natin dyan.

Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din ni tatay ay para sa mga anak nyo kuya onan at itoy, Tigdadalawang ream ng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni tatay para sa inyo ni itoy.

Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isang Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksik sa kilikili ni tatay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan.

Isang dosenang Wonder bra ( Victoria ’s Secret ata ang tatak) gustong- gusto ni nanay, suot-suot din ni tatay. Alam kong inaasam-asam nya yan, Anim na lipstick lang ang kasya sa bra. Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin ni Nanay, suot-suot ni tatay. Nakatakip sa Nike na wristband. Kunin mo agad, Nay

May isinisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni tatay na naglalaman ng $510 dollars. Hindi na ako nakatakbo sa ATM. Puede na siguro sa libing iyon.

Iyong “tong” na makokolekta, i-time deposit niyo kuya onan para pag namatay si Nanay may pambili na ng ataul. Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters), ay suot- suot din ni tatay. Kunin mo na rin agad, Ibigay mo ang isang nailcutter kay Andong bakla sa kanto.

Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng tatay, may isiniksik ako 3 diyamante sa bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si tatay at tiyak na malalaglag na ang mga iyon. Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo.

Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si tatay pa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo lahat Para sa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay tatay. Pamimisahan ko na lang siya dito.

Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Alam ni nanay ang email ko.
Paki-double check ang listahan kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.

Nagmamahal,
Neneng

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me…. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home & ate in two minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t want sex anymore or anything. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore… whatever the case is, I’m gone.

Signed – Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don ‘t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving to West Va. , together! Have a great life alone !

My Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you & I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50.00 from me that morning & your silk boxers were $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell, Free & Alone for the MOMENT !

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem .

Thanks maria!!! Miss you.